Monday, January 21, 2013

How to have a healthy relationship (and how to keep it that way)

How To Have a Healthy Relationship 

(and how to keep it that way)

I don't want to boast, but I think I've got this whole relationship thing down. I've been hurt, and I have hurt. You have to date around before you can realize what is right and what isn't. Maybe this post can help you skip some of those steps.

You have heard most of this many times, but have you ever laid it out and actually tried it? I am not claiming to be perfect or have a perfect relationship. Every good relationship faces hard times. It's life. And your relationship will solely survive on how you handle stressful situations. Beyond the basics of trust and communication, these are the things that I think are what holds a relationship together.


 I know how annoying it is when he forgets to rinse the sink after he does the dishes! Fucking prick! How hard is it REALLY?? ---- What? This sounds insane, but this happens. You live with each other and you become annoyed by his little imperfections. The same ones that you used to think we're cute are not so cute anymore. How do we usually go upon a situation like this? A nice bickering fight that ends with him sleeping on the couch and you silently laughing at how crazy you were just acting.

I've learned to laugh about it. Adrian goes insane with my constant need for every light in the house to be on. He laughs and says "You and those fucking lights woman!" He turns them off and grrs at me. We laugh about it. And next time I leave a room I remember him making that face, and it makes me laugh.. Then I turn the lights out and move on with my day. You really have to learn to laugh things off. What you need to do is ALWAYS think of an argument like this. "Will this matter a year from now?" If not, don't even bother with it. Is him leaving dirty towels on the floor in the bathroom worth losing him? I promise if he is a good guy, you will miss picking them up one day. Crazy how that works, huh?


Sex is like pizza. When it's not good, it's still kinda good. Sex will forever bond you. Through stressful jobs, kids (If you have any) and all of life's hardships, Sex is made to psychically and emotionally reattach you.

When Adrian and I become too caught up in life and forget to have sex for a week (our schedules suck) Its almost as if we forget our emotions. But as soon as we reconnect the bond is always completely mended. It's more than penetration, it's a bond that you share with ONLY him. It's beautiful. I have already told you all about Why you should get a lapdance with your man and how to keep the spark alive. Sex is a close second to communication in my eyes. You need it or eventually you WILL fall apart. Which leads me to me next subject.


The thought of a threesome is sexy, right? Watching someone else enjoy your man. Maybe you like women, too? What could really go wrong? You love each other and you trust each other.. Why not try it once? I WILL TELL YOU WHY. Yes, maybe the sex would be amazing! But what about afterwords? Did the condom break? Not sure? Maybe text her? Oh, she already texted you and wants to do it again next weekend? Here is your problem. You have now just fucked another chick. Together. She is your problem. What of she texts your man behind your back? What if she got pregnant? These sound silly but I've seen it happen. A threesome is something that needs to always stay a fantasy. The reality of a threesome is that is 9 out of 10 times it is a bad idea. But by all means, have fun, get a lap dance, check out women together. Enjoy the fantasy, but KEEP IT A FANTASY. End of story. Is one night of fun really worth endless arguments and possibly the end of something great?


Adrian and I sit at home a majority of the time. When we are not working, we are probably cuddling on the couch, watching CSI and in our pajamas. Occasionally, we go out. Rarely do I have "girls nights" I almost always include Adrian in my outing events. "Girls Nights" are excuses to go out and get away from your man. If you can't have fun out with him, how do you ever expect to carry out a relationship with him? These are things you need to think about. Go out with him. Have some cocktails, laugh together. It has done wonders for Adrian and I. We are a team, and we don't need anyone to go out with us to have a good time. That is very important. There is always something else to talk about. You should never become bored with each others conversation. Life is an adventure. Even if it means getting a cheap hotel room for a night and sneaking down to the hot tub at midnight, do it. You will enjoy each other the most when you are away from the normal schedule and away from everyone else.


You went through a rough patch, he got mad and stormed off to a friends, where he proceeded to drink a lot and ended up having sex with some girl who "totally took advantage" of him. You caught her sending him nudes and you both broke down and he promised to never to it again. Why not work it out? BECAUSE THAT IS A DUMB FUCKING IDEA. Cheating is NEVER okay. There is absolutely no reason either of you should ever seek sexual companions outside of your relationship. Once you cheat, your relationship is already fucking toast. Get out. I promise you it will never improve, I have seen it all before. Once they do it and you "forgive" them it will never ever leave your mind. It breaks your bond. If he loved you he wouldn't stray from you. And if you stay he sees no consequences for his actions, so he will most likely do it again. and again. Please, don't waste your time.


It's sad that I even have to cover this subject. I have never laid a hand on a boyfriend. I wasn't raised around violence, and you need to find a man who wasn't either. Men that are raised around domestic violence are 5 times more likely to do it themselves. Learn about your mans past. Play fighting is fun, but if he physically harms you with the intention of inflicting pain on you, leave. It only gets worse. I promise you. There is no excuse for him to hit you. And it goes both ways. If you don't put your hands on him, then he doesn't put his hands on you. You don't hurt the ones that you love. Point blank.

Do you really want to raise children with a father that beats their mother? Not only are you harming yourself psychically and emotionally, but if you choose to have children with this man, your kids will suffer as well. This is the worst type of relationship to be in. So unhealthy and guaranteed to fail. In the heat of an argument you need to BOTH learn to walk away and cool off. Respect each other always. 


Yes, he looks at other women, yes he watches porn. (If he says he doesn't, he's lying to you.) It is natural for the both of you to find yourself looking at attractive people. You check out other men, so obviously, he is looking at other women as well. But remember that you have more with him than just a sexual relationship. You have built a bond with this man, and he loves you. If he runs into an old cute girl he went to high school with, don't become angry over it. Smile, politely shake her hand, and join in on the conversation. He will be impressed with you. Your confidence is lighting up the room, and he admires that. No one can take your man from you. And if you have to worry about this, your relationship is not strong enough. Never jump to conclusions unless you are 100% sure you should. I know this is easier said than done, but give it a try and don't ever let another bitch have the satisfaction of thinking you are threatened by her. Because you are the fucking shit, and she knows it.


One thing that has made my relationship that much better, is keeping our drama between ourselves. Yes, we argue, yes sometimes I want to get online and bitch about him, BUT I DON'T. It is not only rude, but it is disrespectful to your partner. Facebook sucks because it makes you think that it is okay to put your problems on the WWW. Everything that happens between Adrian and I, STAYS BETWEEN ADRIAN AND I. No one knows the juicy details of our latest argument, but chances are, I have read about yours. And you know what? I think your relationship is a joke! How can you change your relationship status to single, and the next day upload a photo of an engagement ring?? Talk about dysfunctional! And everyone else is thinking the same thing. Just stop. No one gives a shit anyways. It is your relationship, no one else needs the 411 about it. If you have problems, go see a counselor. Your facebook friends have no good advice to give you.

I have a very healthy relationship with Adrian, and I would like to see more of that out there!
Your relationship will only be as good as you let it be! 

If you have anymore questions or think I should add to this, please comment!

Friday, January 18, 2013

How I Became a Stripper (and how you can)

A lot of women (and even some men) ask me on a regular basis how to "become a stripper". Which I don't really have an answer for. Everyone has their own story of how they became a dancer. So I figured, maybe I should share my experience with you?

First of all, I get a lot of judgement from outsiders who do not understand dancing. Many of the girls in this industry are in college studying to become scientists, (not joking) teachers, engineers, and everything in between. When they aren't dancing on stage, they are in the back studying for their finals!   I like to just think of dancers as people who are smarter than everyone else with a vagina. You'd be surprised the kind of cash showing your boobs to vulnerable men will bring you. MEN LOVE FEMALE ATTENTION. Is it so bad that we use it to profit money? We know your weakness, we are motivated workers, and therefor, we are going to do everything in our power to empty out your checking account. (Maybe even your savings!)

But before I get ahead of myself, let me tell you about the FIRST TIME I ever danced. I was living in Grand Junction, going through a break-up, and dead fucking broke. I couldn't afford a car battery, so to get to work every day consisted of jumping it every time I drove it. Embarrassing? Yeah, but I was used to living in poverty. So there I was, jump starting my car to drive to Wal Mart to buy some ramen noodles so I could eat something. I always shopped at hand-me-down stores, and learned to live simply. Scraped change up to do laundry, whatever. It was fine, I made due. I bought legitimate fake handbags online, I tried my best to fit in, but obviously I knew I was full of fucking shit. And I was tired of it.

I wanted more for myself. So the idea of stripping popped into my head. No, I don't mind showing my tits, I like to flirt and I LOVE to dance! I could TOTALLY be a stripper! That next week I saved up money and me and a friend of mine split the price of a stripper pole.

I practiced until my arms about fell off. I wanted so bad a change for myself. I wanted to make tons of money and have a nice car and maybe even some expensive useless other shit that people with money have! I finally got a routine down, learned some pole tricks, ordered some cheap dance shoes online, kissed my momma good-bye, packed up my car and drove to Denver at about 30 MPH the entire way (It wouldn't go any faster) Basically I had fucking NOTHING, and with that said.. What was there to lose? 

↓ Platinum 84 was the first club I worked at, watch the commercial below. 

Finally I drove into denver, and after a night of pep talking, I drank probably 7 shots of vodka (I was fucking terrified) and casually walked into the strip club. As soon as I opened the door, I didn't feel the vodka anymore. I looked at the door guy and told him that I was here to audition. He called out the big manager who came up to me, shook my hand, and instructed me to have a seat while he got paperwork.

I will never forget sitting at that table and watching the girl on stage thinking "WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING." This entire thing was new to me and I felt extremely out of place. The manager shortly came back up to me and asked me when I would be ready to audition. That's when I got really nervous. This is it. I thought. I have to actually get on stage and take my clothes off! He directed me to the back where a really worn out group of strippers guided me to the dressing room and insisted I show them my tits. "Okay..?" I guess this is how people are going to talk to me? I wasn't used to such a sexual environment. 5 minutes ago I would have NEVER showed my tits to a complete stranger!

I changed into a basic dancer outfit that I had bought, confided in my new obviously drug abusing friends, and waited to hear my name called for my audition. I was shaking as I walked up to the stage. My shoes were so high that I just sort of grabbed onto the pole and used it as support to make sure I didn't fall. The rules were explained to me as "You need to be topless by the third song" Okay, I can do that... Wait.. oh my god.. All of these people are going to see me boobs! How weird is that? I took my top of, and felt relieved to see that no one was laughing at me. They were actually tipping me! Somehow I made it through my 12 minute set, got off stage and signed my paperwork.

That night I left around 12 am, exhausted and $800 richer. 8 HUNDRED DOLLARS. I made 8 hundred dollars! That was LITERALLY more than my entire monthly income waitressing! Holy shit!!!  

This was the start of something great for me. I am now very well off, at a MUCH nicer club with much classier co-workers, I live a fancy lifestyle, I can go out and do and buy whatever I please to with the ability to still put away $1,000 a month, along with a $900 car payment. I have never had the option to live so stress free and happily. I basically get paid to have men stroke my ego all night. And buy me drinks. I like drinks.

If you want to be a dancer, or are interested, email me at or message me on facebook -

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Justin Bieber Concert/What Is My Life About

So, I went my first Justin Bieber concert last night. Obviously this is all over facebook, and if you know me, you know that I am sickeningly in love with him. A typical day starts out with me listening to my JB Pandora, Checking out whilst brushing my teeth with my singing JB toothbrush, and eventually leads to you calling me and hearing my JB ringback tone. Yeah I know, try living with me. Adrian doesn't receive n e a r l y as many blowjobs as he deserves.

Going to this concert was something I have been looking forward to since forever, but mainly since last August when his Believe Tour tickets went on sale. Somehow I got lucky enough to be on the floor next to the fucking stage! (I guess I did fork out $800) He is just TOO GORGEOUS and honestly, he can have all my money. And my car, too. Also my dignity. Please, take it.

Amanda and I got ready until the last minute because she has never been on time for anything in her life, but we made it in time. We got our tickets and took our long, proud "I have more money than you" strut to the floor of the Pepsi Center where we waited to be told where our seats were. The lady grabbed our tickets, looked at us a smiled, and say "You guys are RIGHT NEXT TO THE STAGE!" Amanda and I soaked up how awesome life was at the moment and made our way to our seats where we were given wrist bands because the first two rows closest to stage were allowed to stand at the railing to touch him. How lucky is that? I about died, and spent much time trying to pull myself together while Carly Rae Jepson put on a lame preformance, and honestly, I could have lived without seeing that. Her music is shit. Anyways, we patiently anticipated JB's coming onto stage. I started contemplating how I was going to handle myself, and how I was going to not look like a psychotic crying chick when me and Justin finally made some well anticipated eye-contact. I have literally been waiting my whole life for that moment and I wasn't going to ruin it just because my marbles are loose for JB. I needed to get my shit together.

I realized that I was kind of old and I also smoke, so I couldn't keep up with the screaming 10 year old girls. I kind of just pretended to scream. On the inside I was building up a life orgasm that was about to explode in my chest and release sexual butterflies and party favors. Nothing feels as good as waiting for your idol to come out on stage. It doesn't hurt that he is gorgeous as fuck and sings like an angel sliding down a rainbow, either. nomnomnom. The countdown began and we waited a long ten minutes that felt like a fucking C E N T U R Y.

As soon as he started coming out, I was taking into reality JUST how close we really were going to be to Justin. I was -literally- maybe 6 inches from him? "Is this real? What is my life about? Holy shit he exists. I think I'm going to die. Help. Seriously, help me, I can't do this. OH MY GOD." Those were my thoughts as I watched Justin come down from the ceiling with Angel wings made of records and other cool shit. He "landed" right next to me and it was probably the most incredible thing I have ever experienced. Here is a video. Make sure to listen out for my grunting and self pep talking. I find it hilarious and Adrian thinks I'm fucking crazy. (Surprise mutherfucker, you're right!)

The concert only escalated from there and he kept getting more naked and I was starting to contemplate jumping on stage and just raping him. Thank god I decided not to grab a drink at the front or else I probably wouldn't have seen much of the concert. I tried again to really take it all in. Isn't it weird how  something you have anticipated for so long finally happens, you feel like you can't grasp it tight enough? You can't take the experience in the way you would like to. Your emotions are everywhere and bam, its over. 

I'm going to be completely honest, the whole thing was surreal the entire time. So surreal that the waterproof mascara I bought was unnecessary. I couldn't even cry. I was in complete and utter shock. It still feels like a dream. Was that REALLY Justin Bieber? He is such a mega super star that thinking of him as a regular person is almost impossible. He seems like something made up. He is so handsome and charming and talented. I can't even begin to tell you how infatuated I am with him.

This was amazing and I will never forget this. Ever.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Why You Should Get A Lap Dance With Your Man

Relationships are hard. I have been in and out of them literally since pre-school. I know that doesn't totally count, but whatever. I know how these things work. And I feel like you guys all suck at them! You see, it's easy to start a relationship. Sex, Movies, Laughing, Escaping from reality, blahblahblah, butterflies and kisses. But many of you have learned that eventually, that shit fades! Then you're left with someone you love a ton, but lets face it, you're fucking bored!

I'm going to help you. It's not a baby. It's not a vacation to the bahamas. It's not a Ring from Zales. (Maybe it's a ring from zales) Here it is; GO GET A FUCKING LAP DANCE. Let me tell you why lap dances are amazing. First off, going to the club with your man automatically makes you both horny. If your sex life is struggling, this is key. I see couples of many years come into the strip club a few times a month just to make sure they can go home and have some incredible sex later. A lap dance is like a threesome without the commitment of a threesome. And it's even better because YOU (assuming you are female) are in control of everything. You pick the girl, you usually get the attention, and basically everything is all about YOU.

"But, Kristy, I'm a super jealous female. I don't want my man looking at other chicks!" This is the #1 thing wrong with relationships. Jealousy is so stupid. ESPECIALLY when it comes to strippers. Adrian and I go to the bar and I constantly catch him checking out other girls. Why? Because I let him! We literally laugh about it. When a guy offers to buy me a drink, I accept, and later Adrian and I laugh about it! The first thing you need to do it realize that looking at other people is human nature. There is absolutely no way that you could make your man stop checking out other chicks. Wouldn't you rather him turn to you and say "That chick is hot!" Rather than think it but keep it to himself? You could be Kim fucking Kardashian and he would still check out  hot chicks. So why not accept it and make peace with it? This leads me to good news for you. STRIPPERS DO NOT WANT TO FUCK YOUR BOYFRIEND. We literally just want your boyfriends money. Know this with confidence, that when you go upstairs with her she is only doing this because you are paying her! She isn't going to give you an STD, or try and call your boyfriend the next day, or some other shit that REAL threesomes start. That's the joy of it. No commitment. Go in, get a dance (or two, or three, or four..) pay the bitch, LEAVE. Go have sex.

Watching another female dance on your man will make you horny. Guaranteed. The sight of another girl wanting your man (pretend!) will make you want him even more! And when she turns to dance for you, your man will feel the same way. You will leave the club totally horny and ready for some incredible sexy time. This is a relationship saver. Adrian and I do this regularly. I totally get off on watching other chicks dance for him. And it definitely helps the insecure/jealous bug you might be feeling. Plus, you will be considered the coolest girlfriend in the world. Everyone wants a girl like you. ;)

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

New Years Resolutions/Things I will Probably Fail at.

The New years resolution thing is always a bust from rumors I've heard.. And I've never actually gone through with mine. This year Adrian and I decided to aim lower in hopes that we would have a harder time failing. Our first resolution was to Stop eating fast food. Easy. We never eat fast food. Second one is to only drink when something is going on. THIS ONE is going to suck. I drink a lot. Out of boredom, for celebrating, while watching TV, while cooking basically all the time unless I'm sleeping. But We are trying to tone it down. It is day two and I am bored as fuck. I wanna party. Partying is my thing. But instead, we have decided to do our usual day activities at night, to keep us occupied without liquor. So we went grocery shopping at Midnight last night. Which is actually genius. No lines, no people in my way. The store is mine. Why haven't I thought of this before? 

Last night included Dinner, Shopping, Documentaries (We're nerds like that) and Scissoring on the couch. Mainly because our couch is so small that we have no choice, but also, because I love scissoring Adrian. I love being with him. We've had almost 3 days together in a row which NEVER happens! The more time we spend together, the better we get along. It's kind of opposite of your relationship. We are fuckin soulmates, man. Happy tuesday or wednesday or whatever. I have no idea what day it is anymore.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

New Years eve/Today/Whatever

Happy New Year! I am half drunk and decided for new years I wanted something to actually remember my year. Not like a diary.. something more.... adult like. A blog. I have always wanted to do this. Why am I awake? This will be sweet eventually but for now, bare with me. I know, you are so excited for this, aren't you? Like anyone actually gives a shit about this. I give a shit, though. :) I can babble my little life away on here and you can't say a god damn thing about it. Well you could, but this is MY blog. Okay enough half drunk bullshitting. Let's start this shit. Here's a photo of me pretty drunk from last night and The Front Porch ringing in the new year. 

The guy in the photo with Adrian and I is some dude named Josh who's good friends with Adrian's good friend. We barely know the dude but we have no friends because people apparently don't get down with couples. But Adrian and I are a good time. Until we are 7 shots deep and I'm in the street almost crying and arguing with Adrian about how he isn't trying hard enough to get a taxi. Yes, we argue. We are normal. And 99% of the time I want to punch him in the balls. But I don't because I love him. I really do. I love him so much that I eat a ton of mexican food because that is -literally- all he enjoys. I don't get it either. K bye.